He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
