Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
