Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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