I must be too annoying 4 u.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
where are you?
Hypothermia
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
