pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
