i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
