Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
