Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
