I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hippo gnu deer
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
