Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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