I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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