It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
