Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
