im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
