the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
