Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
