I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
