Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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