What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
