do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
