I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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