your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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