I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
