I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
