Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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