i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
