atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize