is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize