your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
