I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
