if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
