so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
