I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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