sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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