peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
