currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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