Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
