Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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