I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
