Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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