I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize