Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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