Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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