I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I came so hard my ears popped.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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