They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
