My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
