I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
