i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
