Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
