i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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