he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
