Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
