Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
