Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
