wanna go halves on a baby?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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