New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
