My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
