Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
